French Butterbeer, Sugar, Monkeys, and...Bucky
by METMA Mandy
Summary: Erm. Written by me, thelonelytaco, Me Myself and I, and Hermione L. Granger. Buckbeat is stalking Malfoy. Why? ERM....I'd rather not say. Just read!


Disclaimer: Erm. We own our French Butterbeer. *tipsyness* We don't own HP.  
  
A/N: Written by METMA Mandy, thelonelytaco, Hermione L. Granger, and Me Myself and I while they were super hyper. LOL! 4 authors...not 1. FOUR! Wow...  
  
Hermoine L. Granger's A/N: You were hyper too.  
  
METMA Mandy: On French Butterbeer. WHEEEEE!  
*****  
  
Draco's life had always been normal...well, as normal as a spoiled brat kid who had connections with the underworld could be until....Buckbeak. Why  
was he stalking him??? Perhaps Buckbeak was still mad at being insulted.  
  
But still," thought Draco. "is that a good excuse to.. to rape me?"  
  
Draco tried to block the terrible mental pictures from his skull. But  
the twisted images of Buckbeat could not be beaten out. He remembered,  
although he didn't want to, the images of that night of passion.  
  


****this is a flashback*****  


The large bird/horse thing crept closer and closer, until it pinned him  
to the wall.  
  
"Hello, Draco," it said in a deep voice.  
  
"Buckbeak?" he squeaked out.  
  
"Yes Draco, it is I, Buckbeak, and I have something to tell you,  
Draco..." Draco didn't like the way Buckbeak was prounouncing his name...  
  
"What?" he said in an unnatuarally high voice.  
  
"Draco, the reason I have been stalking you for the last few months is  
because, well, Draco, I love you!" Draco straightened up.  
  
"You've been stalking me?" he demanded, then the other words registered  
in his brain, and he fainted.  
  
The next morning, Draco came to and found something stick and smelly all over his robes, which were tattereed and torn and dirty.  
  
"OHMYGAWD!"  
  


***flashback ending***  


  
All of a sudden, Draco collapsed on the Slytherin table in the hall and cried. Pansy looked up at him in alarm.  
  
"Draco," she cried. "Draco, what's the matter?!?"   
  
But Draco only screamed, "Woman, you wouldn't understand!" and ran out of the hall.  
  
Suddenly, an owl swooped at him and delivered a very messy, illegible note, looking as if the writer oculdn't hold a pencil correctly. It read...  
  
Dear Draco, my love,  
I want to see you again. Say, 10 pm at the astronomy tower? By the way, you oughtn't yell at that girl like that. Yes, I am watching you. And somehow writing things that happen as this owl gets to you. Doesn't make much sense, but I'm a freaking talking hippogriff, and that doesn't make much sense either, so there! Now, don't wet yourself, Draco. You need to keep those pants dry so I can get into them! ROWR!  
XOXOXOX  
Your sex toy, Bucky.  
  
Draco turned funny colors and passed out.  
  
When he came too, Draco realized that he was in the corner of Hagrid's cabin. But Hagrid was nowhere to be seen. Draco groaned and tried to get up. But he soon realized that he was chained to the wall, and in a pair of black leather panties. On his chest were several whip lashes on his chest, sore and cracked and bleeding.  
  
"Help," he called out to the dim light of a candle. And a gigantic dark figure chirped and moved in on him!  
  
"Oh man, you just look lovely in pink cashmere, Dracy-DAHHHHlink!" said the dark figure. Upon further inspection, Draco realized that he AND Buckbeat were wearing...tutus???  
  
"Get me the hell out of it!" screamed Draco, outraged!  
  
"I aim too," Buckbeat said hornily. "That was tooooo easy...." he muttered.  
  
"Why, why, WHY do you torture me so," screamed Draco.  
  
"Oh are you too blind to see it, Malfoy, dahhhhlink? The day you insulted me, it was clear it was all blind passion. And I knew I haaad to have you! Hagrid was too stupid to figure anything wrong out. And alll that power your father has... well.. getting a hunk of meat from his son would give me great links to powerful people! Me, as head of the ministry!.... but let's get on with this and play "Spank The Skank!"   
  
Draco let out a terrified scream as Buckbeak grabbed a paddle, and kicked with all his might!  
  
"Draco?" Draco moaned and rolled over, finding that he was looking into the ugly pug face of Pansy Parkinson. He let out a high-pitched scream and attempted to crawl backwards away from the horrid creature, but failed miserably.   
  
"Oh, Draco! Don't try to move! I'm so glad you're alive,baby!" she cooed in her horrible voice. "Madam Pomfrey says that you broke your bum bone (would that be a tail bone? hmmm...), and you're going to have to stay in bed for a few weeks! Ug, and the most HORRIBLE rumor is going around about what happened when Potter found you down by Hagrid's Hut. Do you want to know what it is?" she smirked at the thought. Malfoy nodded his head.  
  
"Yeah, tell me..." he said hoarsely. Pansy leaned down really close to his face, looking like she was trying to be seductive.  
  
"They're sayin that he found you in a pair of sexy black underpants...is that true, lover?" she reached down and snapped his boxers, which, to his horror, he found was the only thing he had on. "Because if it is, I would love to see them on you..." At that very moment, Buckbeak burst in the door.  
  
"Take your fifthy human hands off my Draco!" Pansy whirled on her heels.  
  
"Your Draco?!?! He's always loved M-," started Pansy, but before she could finsh, BUckbeak clawwed out her heart and eyeballs.  
  
"MWa ha ha," he laughed evily. Then he turned to Draco. "Are you okaaaay darlinnkkkk? Did that little wench try to hurt you?" He picked up Draco in his mighty arms/legs/claws and attempted to craddle him!  
  
"Get off me! I don't love you! OKay?!?! I never have, nor will! You are just a nasty, guly hippogriff and no one could love you!" Buckbeak let out a cry of anguish, and flew out of the room, heart broken. Draco felt dazed.  
  
~~~  
  
"Hey," cried Hermione. "Did you hear a rumor about Buckbeak trying to kill himself?" Harry shook his head...  
  
"Neville! Buckbeak is having asprin pumped out of his stomach," whispered Dean.  
  
"He....he is?" squeaked Neville.  
  
Dean nodded solemnly.  
  
"I've...i've got to go...um...be back soon!" Neville called as he ran off.  
  
~~~~~  
  
Neville carefullly crept to Hagrid's cabin, wrapped in the invisibility cloak. He softly, so as not to be heard, called for Buckbeak. Suddenly, he saw the beast. Buckbeak was crouched in the corner, his pink dress wrinkled.  
  
"I love you, Bucky!"  
  
~~~~~Meanwhile...~~~~~  
  
"OH Shoot! I"M LATE!" screamed Draco. He ran as fast as he could down towards Hagrid's cabin. He had to meet Buckbeak there one last time, just as the hippogriff had directed. Draco screeched to a halt as soon as he saw the lights on in the cabin, and several shadows. What was this? He was supposed to be having a peaceful meeting with Buckbeak, trying to straighten things out! Why were there, 1, 2, 3, 4 more figures in there? He opened the door cautiosly.  
  
"Hello?" he called out. Buckbeak turned towards him.  
  
"Hello, lover! Welcome to my little group orgy!" Draco turned, but was blocked by a familiar, butt nekkid wizard.  
  
"Dad!!!!"  
  
"Hello Draco," whispered Lucius, with a wide grin on his face (INCEST! I SMELL JERRY SPRINGER!)  
  
"I thought you were gonna have Buckbeak killed!"  
  
"Well, for Crissake! Can't I play dominatrix without someone whining?!?" Draco nearly fainted at that, but he then saw Harry Potter quickly pulling down Nelville's pants!  
  
"Ew....Harry??" Draco said, shocked.  
  
"BWAHAHAHH! I fooled you all!! It is I, VOLDEMORT!!" screamed the false Harry.  
  
"I knew Harry Potter couldn't screw that well..." muttered Lucius.  
  
"And just how do you know that?" Buckbeak demanded, "I thought, I, Buckiepoo, was your one and only!"  
  
"He only said that to get into your pants!" Draco screamed, "Just like you did to me. Oh Bucky. I do realize, now, that I did love you."  
  
"NO! NO!" yelled the real Harry Potter, breaking down the door as he burst into Hagrid's hut, "Don't say it my love, don't say it!" he pleaded, pulling on Draco's robes.  
  
"Harry!" Voldemort said, shocked, "Oh Harry, not Draco too!"  
  
"YES!" Harry screamed, "Draco too! You just weren't good enough for   
me!"  
  
"Okay," Hermione said from her and Ron's station at the door (they had followed Harry) "Ron, do you just want to go screw on Dean's bed with Harry's shirt?"  
  
"Sure!" Ron exclaimed, and the only two strait people from Hogwarts ran off to get laid.  
  
~~~~~~Meanwhile back in the cabin (or hut, whatever...)~~~~~~  
  
"AND YOU!" roared Harry, turning to Buckbeak. "I thought that you were my friend! But you took my little Draco away from me! You must DIE!" he broke down into a fit of hysterical sobs, lying pathetically on the cabin floor. Buckbeak held onto Malfoy for dear life.  
  
"I love you, too, Draco! Just ignore Lucius, and we'll run off and get married together! I promise you!" he gave him a sort of half-peck, half-kiss on the cheek, and went over to Voldemort, who had been very close to having a little fun on his own... Whispering something in his ear that made Voldemort go VERY red, Buckbeak backed off, and pulled Draco out of the hut.   
  
Suddenly our hero jumped out of the mist...the FLYING CAR!!  
  
"I'll save you!" he cried with a rumble and a squeak.  
  
Everyone looked around, confused. After all, hadn't the car been squished during the second year?  
  
"You idiots, I got reincarnated, REMEMBER?"   
  
"RIIIIIIIIIIGHT...so how are you going to save us?" Draco asked.  
  
The car suddenly grabbed a whip and transformed into black leather. "Well....I'm going to join in!!"  
  
"OOORRRGGGGYYYYY!!" screamed everyone.  
  
THE END (or is it?)  
  
A/N1: Heh..HEHHE...WHEE! Please review, or METMA Mandy will change you into an object and bash you over Hermione L. Granger's computer screen. Because it's being screwy. Yeah, thats the reason... *chesire cat grin*   
  
A/N2: If you give hyper writers some sugar, they're bound to ask for a glass of coke. If you give them a glass of coke, they're going to need a napkin to wipe off their faces. And so on...  
  
A/N3: If you're looking for a hilaroius challenge, e-mail METMA Mandy at Leven5@aol.com for more information. (Hint: It involves Voldie being pregnant.)  



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